


Then Don't Watch

by Florian_Gray



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Fainting, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Description, Half-Elf Jaskier | Dandelion, Healing, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Hurt/Comfort, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg Friendship, Jaskier | Dandelion Has Feelings, Jaskier | Dandelion Whump, M/M, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, Platonic Cuddling, Protective Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Protective Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Vomiting, Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23808331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florian_Gray/pseuds/Florian_Gray
Summary: "Are you going to eat? If we leave you alone will you eat? I don't think you will. I don't want to watch you die, Jaskier!" Geralt snapped, just as loudly.Jaskier sighed and shook his head to himself. His voice came out softer than before and more resigned. "Then don't watch."--------Or, Jaskier has an eating disorder and tries to hide it, but is it already too late?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 35
Kudos: 499





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is going to possibly be very triggering. So this is your warning, **There will be graphic descriptions of an eating disorder.** This includes starving, bingeing and purging. I myself have an eating disorder along with body dysmorphia, and I wrote this to basically vent. Please do not read if this could tigger you.

Jaskier stared at his plate that was piled high with food. His stomach grumbled and he hesitated for only one more second before starting to eat.

He tried to eat slowly but they hadn't had a meal like this in some time. The meat was seasoned, the bread was buttered, and the ale didn't taste like piss. Everything had so many flavors and it didn't taste like dirt.

"Slow down." Geralt grumbled, but he too was eating quickly. Jaskier told a few gulps of his ale and nodded.

The barmaid chuckled and leaned against the bar, his chest on full display. She was definitely larger, but that was generally a sign of wealth. Having enough money to eat as much as she wanted.

"So cute. You should eat up; put some meat on your bones." She slid over another roll, which Jaskier took. No way was he going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"He doesn't need any more food." Geralt snapped. "He's already eating more than me," Geralt jokes, giving a small smirk to him. Jaskier felt something drop in his stomach, the food heavy.

It felt like his throat was closing up and he took a few more gulps of ale. He looked at his plate and felt nauseous. He had eaten almost everything.

The flavors were thick in his mouth and he could feel all the food he had just eaten. It was like his body weighed a thousand pounds. The scent of the food was still surrounding him in a thick cloud.

He stood up and Geralt looked up at him. "I… I need a bath." Geralt went to stand but Jaskier shook his head.

Geralt squinted but sat back down. They normally shared a bath, and he could tell Geralt enjoyed it even if he wouldn't say. It was also just easier to share then get two baths, cheaper too.

He ran up the stairs to their room, stumbling a few times in his haste, and locked the door behind him. He tore his clothes off and looked at the full-length mirror the room provided.

He started gagging at the sight. He hadn't had this overwhelming feeling in so long. Not since Oxenfurt.

He definitely had more on him than before, but now he also had muscle. Not much, but it was there. Geralt always caught dinner and almost always found lunch for them. It may not taste the best but they never went hungry, his body holding the evidence of that.

His stomach wasn't completely flat and he couldn't see his ribs. He ran his hands over his thighs, pinching the skin. It was too much. The fat was too much.

He ran to the window and threw it open before leaning over. He paused and felt the tears well up. Then he stuck his fingers down his throat.

He didn't need much, but he still trembled when his food came back out. He hadn't chewed it enough to make this easy, or drank enough water. He stayed there until he was sure everything had come up and out. He leaned back and wiped at his mouth.

Fuck he hasn't done that in a while. Of course, all it took was Geralt making a comment on his weight to bring it all back. If it had been anyone else he could have laughed it off.

It was disgusting. The acid burned his tongue and throat, and he had to cough a few times. He grabbed the pitcher of water, swishing it around in his mouth then spitting it out.

Fuck he was dizzy. He always got dizzy and lightheaded when he did this. Before, he had gotten good at it. He could do it then walk away with only slightly wobbly legs.

Now he had to sit down and close his eyes for a few seconds. He felt weightless, and that made a slow smile spread across his face.

He stood back up and stumbled back over to look at his reflection. No wonder Geralt didn't want him around. He didn't even want himself.

He desperately didn't want Geralt to smell what he had done to himself. He looked around and sighed in relief when he saw the bath was already filled.

He got in the water and rinsed off, trying to look at anything but himself. He didn't take his time, getting in and out as fast as possible. He practically jumped out of his skin when there was a knock on the door.

"Hold on!" He called out, fumbling to put on clothes.

"It's me." Geralt said, trying the handle. Jaskier tried to hold in his yelp, as he almost fell pulling on his pants.

Once he got his shirt on he opened the door. Geralt had his arms crossed and a grumpy look on his face. Which, admittedly wasn't odd. It was just a slightly different grumpy face than normal. Maybe a hint of confusion and worry in there.

Geralt pushed into the room, smelling as he went. He had smelled a very strong scent of distress even from downstairs. Jaskier always joked that Geralt was like a hound dog.

Jaskier stepped back when Geralt openly sniffed at him. "What's wrong?" He grunted once again.

Jaskier backed away and tried to keep his eyes down. "Nothing, my stomach just wasn't too happy." Not too much of a lie, hopefully, Geralt couldn't tell.

Geralt squinted and stepped towards him, making Jaskier step back. "Geralt just let it go." He snapped, crossing his arms. The last thing he needed was Geralt making more comments on his weight. Of anyone commenting on his weight.

Geralt huffed but gave a short nod. He may be terrible with emotions but he seemed to know when to stop pushing.

Jaskier sat on their bed and didn't even bother watching like he normally does. He was too focused on what had just happened.

His mouth still had the taste, and he felt more tired than he had in a long time. He knew he should tell someone, maybe even Geralt. He didn't, instead, he laid down and closed his eyes.

The days dragged by with almost nothing different. Geralt barely talked, Jaskier talked too much, monsters were killed and coin was made.

Jaskier slowly started eating less and stopped sleeping with people altogether. He didn't want to be faced with the repulsiveness that was his body. He'd let himself get too comfortable with how he looked.

Geralt noticed the lack of sleeping around but didn't want to comment. One less thing they had to worry about. It was just another thing Jaskier took as a sign to continue what he was doing.

It was actually hard to hide his lack of eating from the witcher. So, he did what he was loathed to do. He ate and then quickly walked as far away as he could safely go and threw it all back up. It was disgusting but it kept him from gaining any more weight.

Instead, his ribs and hipbones started poking out. It still wasn't enough even when his stomach was caved in.

It wasn't enough when he could put two hands around his thighs and his fingers touched. It wasn't enough when he could touch his fingers with only one hand around his forearm.

Whenever he had time alone he would inspect himself. Did he have too much fat on his legs? Were his cheeks puffier than before? Could he feel his spine?

It didn't take long until he was dizzy and lightheaded almost all the time. Fatigued was like a blanket over him that he could never take off. He was also cold constantly, but it was like he was freezing from the inside out.

Apparently, he had shivered one too many times for Geralt's liking. Jaskier staggered when Geralt tossed his cloak onto him.

It felt heavier than he expected but it smelt heavily of Geralt. Which most wouldn't find pleasant. It was a combination of the woods, horse, sweat, some dried blood, guts, and whatever his natural smell was. Jaskier tried to focus on just the woods and the natural smell of Geralt.

Jaskier pulled it around his shoulders, but even still it didn't do much. It was nice though, and he blinked widely up at Geralt.

He did things like this, without being asked. Gave him an extra blanket if it was too cold out, gave him the bigger portion of food, and even gave him new lute strings when he had extra money to spend.

It wasn't just giving him things that he did. He let Jaskier brush his hair, and sometimes even braid it. He let Jaskier wash his back and tend to his wounds.

Those things seemed like they were gifts from Jaskier but if anyone knew Geralt they knew it was the opposite. He let Jaskier do these things because he trusted him and if Jaskier had an opinion in it, thought of him as a friend.

"Thank you," Jaskier mumbled. That was another new thing. He was also quieter than normal the longer he didn't eat. He also got angrier and more defensive, paranoia making him snippy. Jaskier didn't have the energy to perform too much. He still did, but he no longer bounced around.

Geralt gave a hum and looked down at him from Roach. He had kept giving Jaskier these odd looks that Jaskier couldn't figure out.

Geralt seemed concerned in his weird way and kept asking questions. He'd offer to bathe together or asked if he wanted more food. Whenever Jaskier got up to puke the food back out he looked like he wanted to stop him, but he never did.

Jaskier knew he was being paranoid. He knew that Geralt would do these things, ask these questions even if nothing was wrong. And nothing was wrong. Jaskier was just getting himself back into shape.

He had come up with so many excuses for needing to go 'relieve' himself. He was always good at coming up with things, but each lie dug a bit more into his heart.

A wave of dizziness came over him and he reached out for Roach. Fuck, not the best time for this. It's happened before but he always made sure to hide it. He never wanted him to affect Geralt's work or get in the way.

"Jaskier?" Geralt jumps off Roach and steadies him. Any other time Jaskier would love this, but right now he was seeing dark spots.

"'M fine, Geralt. Just… just light-headed," his eyes slipped closed and he started to fall. Not good, not good, not good-

"Jaskier!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  Eating Disorder hotlines  
>  **
> 
> Chat: NEDA Click-to-Chat [NEDA Click-to-Chat ](https://chatserver.comm100.com/ChatWindow.aspx?siteId=144464&planId=467&visitType=1&byHref=1&partnerId=-1)
> 
> Crisis Text Line: text “NEDA” to 741741
> 
> Helpline: 0808 801 0677
> 
> Studentline: 0808 801 0811
> 
> Youthline: 0808 801 0711
> 
> Adult email support is open to anyone over 18: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Studentline email support is open to all students: studentline@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Youthline email support is open to anyone under 18: fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline: 800-931-2237
> 
> National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 847-831-3438
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
> 
> Hopeline (Suicide prevention, awareness, & education): 800-442-HOPE (4673)
> 
> Mental Health America: 800-969-NMHA (6642)
> 
> National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-NAMI (6264)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, warning for eating disorder content that could be triggering.

The first thing he felt when he woke up was panic. He didn't know where he was or how he got here. Geralt had taught him quite a lot so he stayed still and took in as much of his surroundings with his eyes closed.

He was on something soft, most likely a bed. It wasn't the most cushioned thing, so maybe a local inn. He could also feel a slight breeze, the window must be open.

He could also smell something baking, and it made his stomach churn. He could hear people outside but they were far away-ish. But close in an odd way, maybe he was on the second floor of the inn.

His clothes were different too. They were soft and he didn't have a shirt on. Fuck, that definitely wasn't good. He didn't want anyone to see his stomach.

He wasn't bound down at all, not even a gag. So, whoever took him was confident he couldn't fight back, which he could.

The door opened and Jaskier did his best to keep his breathing slow and even. The smell and food came in along with a very family smell.

"Jaskier." Geralt said. Jaskier took his time opening his eyes. Fuck he had passed out. He passed out in front of Geralt for no obvious (well it's probably obvious now since he was shirtless) reason.

He was correct about being in an inn and on a bed. He looked around the room and spotted the open windows, they were definitely on the second floor. At least there was that.

He then finally looked at Geralt. He was holding a plate of food. His face was pinched together in worry or anger. Maybe both. Probably both.

He slowly sat up, and thankfully Geralt didn't stop him. He kept ahold of the blanket to cover his chest down. Geralt watched him with tense shoulders, and eyes keeping track of every movement.

Jaskier tried to talk but it just turned into dry coughing. It hurt his ribs, and Geralt instantly put the plate down and reached towards him. Once the coughing fit is over Geralt hands him a cup of water.

He took slow sips, the water coating his dry tongue. How long had he been out? It was still light out, so either not long or it had been at least a day.

"Jaskier." Ah, once again Geralt is saying his name and nothing else. How had he gotten to the point where he could understand what Geralt wanted to say just from one word?

Geralt knew. He saw what he looked like and he knew at least somewhat. He saw how disgusting he was. "So, I'm assuming you'll be leaving soon? I'm sure I can get enough money singing so I can stay here for a few days."

It hurt but he knew it would happen. Geralt couldn't stay in one place for so long, and there was no way he was going to stay for Jaskier. Not to take care of him. He also knew that Geralt wouldn't let him come with, now with what he saw.

Geralt huffed and clenched his fist before relaxing. "I'm not leaving. Jaskier, why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh, that's rich. Fucking hell, Geralt! You never talk about your feelings. You make it perfectly clear that you don't consider me a friend. You call my singing terrible. Should I go on? Oh, let's not forget the time you called me fat!" Jaskier said, dropping the blanket.

Geralt flinched back, probably at the sight. It wasn't pretty, and Jaskier knew that. That's why he was doing this. "When did I call you fat? Jas, you're… you're practically just skin and bones."

Now it was Jaskier's turn to flinch. "You don't have to lie to me. I know I'm not skinny. I'm not some small beautiful girl. And you called me fat back at that one inn. The lady gave me extra food and you said I didn't need any more."

Geralt squinted for a second before his eyes went wide. "Ok, one you are very skinny. And two, I hadn't meant to imply you were fat."

"Then what the hell did you mean? Because I know I definitely wasn't skinny then." Jaskier growled out. He was angry, so angry. He was angry at himself and not just for letting it get this far again.

He was angry that he hadn't told Geralt. Part of him always wanted him to notice, to care. Turns out it takes fainting for Geralt to care or notice.

He was angry for failing. He still wasn't perfect or pretty or whatever adjective he could come up with. He failed again.

Geralt reached out and grabbed his wrist, his fingers easily going around completely. "This is skinny! You are too skinny, Jaskier. I didn't want her to give you food because I wanted to be the one that did it. Ok? I wanted to be the one providing for you."

Jaskier's breath hitched at the words. Geralt… there was no doubt he at least cared for Jaskier in some way. He didn't want to get his hopes up; there was no way Geralt cared for him like that.

"I'm not leaving." Geralt said again, but softer this time. His hand was still around his wrist, but it was a more gentle hold. "I called Yen."

He snatched his arm back and tried to stand. He would have fallen if Geralt didn't catch him, but he pushed at his chest. Geralt had used that stupid magic thing Yennefer had given to him for emergencies. Why Geralt thought this was one was beyond him, but he was pissed.

He didn't need his help, let alone hers. She'd probably just laugh at him and let him die. Or she'd shove food down his throat, which he would just throw right back up.

Geralt kept a hold of his hips and Jaskier pushed against him. He hit Geralt's chest and the man just stood there, letting him. He didn't even flinch or grunt. Just took it.

"Let me go! I don't want her help!" Jaskier yelled, tears streaming down his face.

The sound of a portal stopped Geralt from replying and Yennefer stepped through. "Geralt, why did you call me about... Jaskier?" Her eyes went wide as she looked them over.

Jaskier shrinks back, hiding behind Geralt. He's shaking, but from what he doesn't know. There are too many possibilities.

Geralt bares his teeth in a snarl at Yennefer. She huffs as the portal closes. "You asked me to help, so I'm here. I'm not going to hurt your precious bard."

Jaskier starts to sway and Geralt instantly turns and helps lower him to the bed. Yennefer watches, her face carefully blank. Jaskier hates how weak he feels, and not just physically.

Once he's laid down Yennefer walks over and looks him over. It makes Jaskier squirm and grip the blanket, but he doesn't pull it up.

"Geralt. Out." Yennefer says, leaving no room for argument. Of course, that made Geralt argue, because he couldn't just stand down. Not when it came to Jaskier.

"I'm staying." He crossed his arms for a second before uncrossing them and taking Jaskier's hand.

Yennefer huffs again, shaking her head. "Cute. I still need you to leave. I promise not to hurt him, and you can come right back in once I'm done."

Geralt looks between the two of them but slowly stands when Jaskier gives a slight nod. "Fine. Fine, but you better not do anything to hurt him."

Jaskier couldn't help the smile. He knew Yennefer wouldn't do any permanent damage to him because of Geralt. Even if the two weren't together they still cared for one another.

The door closed behind Geralt and Yennefer sat down on the small chair. Her gaze makes him squirm and this time he does cover himself up with the blanket.

"Purging and restricting I assume?" Yennefer finally said. Her tone was sympathetic with no hint of pity. "Maybe even some bingeing in there too."

Jaskier swallowed and looked away, staring at the ceiling as he nodded. He knew how this worked. He knew he'd be forced to eat and he wouldn't be left alone to even use the bathroom.

Yennefer gave a hum and dug around a bag she suddenly had. Fucking witches. "I can work with that. The first priority is getting you enough energy to not die." He pulls out a small bottle and holds it out to Jaskier.

He takes it and looks it over. It's a thick black liquid with red sparkling swirls. He takes a whiff and almost melts. It smells just like his mother's blueberry pastries. He hadn't had them in so long and it made his stomach grumble.

"It's supposed to smell like your favorite food. It'll give you energy without eating any food." That did sound appealing. "It'll taste like it too."

Jaskier gave a shrug and downed it. He was dying anyway so might as well. It did taste just like the blueberry pastries his mother made.

What was odd was that his nausea disappeared. He still had the urge to purge but he kept it down. It wasn't like it was food, not really.

"Why are you helping me? I know Geralt asked, but you could just send us to a normal healer." She could do so many things, but she readily helped him.

Yennefer looked down at her hands before pushing up the sleeves of her dress. She held out her wrists for Jaskier to see.

Jaskier didn't gasp, he didn't tear up, didn't reach out to touch, just gave a nod in understanding.

"You're killing yourself slowly. I know the want to do that, but I tried and failed. I will not let you succeed." She pulled her arms back and pulled the sleeves back down. "Plus, you aren't all too bad. Pretty sure Geralt would at least never forgive me if you died on my watch and at most kill me."

Jaskier huffed and shook his head. "I guess you're not so bad yourself. So, what? Monitoring, force-feeding, the whole thing?"

She gave him a look. Fuck, he gave away that it's happened before. He didn't mean to and he didn't want Geralt to know. "Nah, but I'm not sure I can keep Geralt away for longer than a few minutes. Speaking of, if you tell me anything I won't tell him without your permission."

That… was so much kinder than he'd ever seen her. It wasn't like they were fighting over Geralt's attention anymore. Geralt and she ended it a bit ago, but they didn't deny that they would always be connected.

"Thank you." He meant it. He didn't expect such kindness from her, and yet she freely gave it.

Yennefer gave a nod and stood. "I'll speak with Geralt. I would prefer to keep you in at least the same city as me so I don't have to portal all the time."

That did make sense. He didn't know much of anything about magic but he could guess that it was tiring. One inn versus another wouldn't really make a difference.

Yennefer gave him another nod before opening the door and walking out.

Jaskier let himself relax into the bed. Geralt knew, and now so did Yennefer. He really couldn't care too much about Yennefer, but what he did care about was Geralt.

He said he wouldn't leave, but that didn't mean he didn't want to. Once Jaskier was healthy enough he'd leave and he'd leave Jaskier behind. He'd use this to point out why he couldn't come with. Why he was useless.

He was. He was useless and that hurt more than any broken bone. He could sing, sure, but that was it. He couldn't protect Geralt, he couldn't even protect himself. He couldn't even eat like a normal person.

He knew it wasn't normal, or healthy, or whatever the fuck he tried to tell himself. He had a problem and it never really went away. He was just able to control it better sometimes.

He removed the blanket and looked down at himself. Really looked. His stomach was concaved. He could clearly see his bones, and there was no muscle definition. It wasn't pretty. He wasn't pretty.

What had he done to himself?

The door opened again and Jaskier pulled the blanket back over himself. Geralt and Yennefer walked in, and Geralt instantly went to his side. He had to admit, it was nice seeing Geralt openly care.

"We're going to Temeria. I've got a shop there I run and you can either stay in my place, free of charge or find your own place to stay." Yennefer said, digging around her bag again. She pulls out a similar bottle to the first but this one had blue in it instead. "Take this, it's similar to the first but this one gives extra energy instantly. You'll need it."

Jaskier didn't hesitate this time with reaching out and taking it. It didn't taste the same but it didn't matter. Geralt didn't miss the sudden trust between the two.

Geralt moved around the room, collecting their things. Geralt took out one of his shirts and gave it to Jaskier. It was huge and once again had the combination of smells. He pulled it on anyways and went to sit. Geralt got to him first and kneeled down.

Jaskier felt his breath hitch when Geralt took his leg and slid his boots on for him. He wanted to protest that he could do it himself, but Geralt looked so focused it was adorable. He sometimes had the same expression when going after a particularly hard monster.

Yennefer stood near the door with a raised eyebrow. When Jaskier caught her eye she gave him a small smirk and a wink. He still didn't know how he felt about her being nice to him.

Once his boots were on he went to stand and once again Geralt stopped him. Jaskier let out a loud yelp when Geralt picked him up. It wasn't the throw over the shoulder type thing, but more of a cradle in the arms thing.

Yennefer had to actively hold in her giggles. Jaskier squawked and swatted at Geralt's chest but didn't really try to giggle out.

He could easily indulge in being held by Geralt. It was terrible, but he was glad he was so small, so sick that Geralt felt like he had to hold him.

Geralt carried him down the stairs and out the inn. He carried him to Roach and then helped him on. Shit, it must be bad. Geralt only let him on Roach if it was an emergency.

"Can you hold on, or do you want me up there?" Geralt asked. As he said it a wave of dizziness washed over and Geralt was up behind him before he could even blink.

Geralt wrapped his arms around Jaskier, keeping him in place while not squeezing too hard. The other hand held the reins.

"I guess I'm walking." Yennefer said, looking up at the two. Jaskier could tell she was just teasing them, but he couldn't help but feel a little guilty.

Geralt gave a grunt as the portal opened up. It was just outside the city so that some random person couldn't go through the portal and not be able to go back. They walk through and Jaskier feels that odd sensation.

It was like the portal pulled at him and then let go once he was on the other side. It was also really fucking weird to travel so far in seconds.

They stay on the horse as they go into town, Yennefer staying close to them. She leads them to her shop, house, thing, and Geralt dismounts first. He doesn't even ask if Jaskier needs help down, he just picks him up like he weighs nothing. Well, he actually doesn't weigh all that much and with Geralt's witcher strength it was probably as easy as picking a flower.

It's not that big of a place, but he can't deny how nice it is. There's the main room that's filled with plants, and dried herbs. It also has other things in jars that he doesn't really want to look at.

She moves around the room, checking on things she must have left before coming to them. Geralt looks around the room for a comfortable place for Jaskier but apparently doesn't find anything suitable as he keeps him in his arms.

Yennefer glances back at them and Jaskier makes a face at her then looks at Geralt then back to her. She snorts and rolls her eyes. "There's a bedroom in there, feel free to get settled." She points to the closed door.

Geralt nods and moves forward, managing to open the door and shut it without letting him go.

The room is much bigger than he expected. He should have expected it with Yennefer and the whole magic thing. There was a huge bed and Geralt walked over and gently laid Jaskier down.

He reached over and pulled Jaskier's shoes off for him and then placed their things against a wall. If they decided to stay here then Geralt would get all the stuff off of Roach too.

Jaskier had to admit, the bed was the most comfortable he'd ever been on and he was a Viscount. Now that he wouldn't be fighting with Yennefer he was very tempted to stay here. It would mean one more person being able to check on him even if he hated it.

Geralt sat on the edge of the bed next to Jaskier, pulling off his own shoes. It was actually odd to see him without them now that he thought about it.

If they were camping then he'd leave them on, just in case. He didn't want to have to scramble to put his shoes on. The only time he ever took them off was in inns to sleep or bathe.

"So, how do you feel about staying with Yen? It's free so I don't have to go out of the town to find hunts." Did that mean Geralt was going to stay in the house all day? There was no way. One of them would go insane.

He didn't particularly want to sleep on a dingy bed and hear others having very loud sex. "I think it's a good idea. You, however, need to get a hobby if we're to stay here long. Maybe help Yennefer collect things she needs."

Geralt frowned at the suggestion, reaching out to hold Jaskier's hand. He could definitely get used to that. "I'm not leaving your side."

That was definitely not what he wanted to hear. He snatched his hand away and tried to ignore Geralt's hurt look. "I don't need to be babysat." He snarled. Fuck he forgot how grumpy and angry this always made him.

"Are you going to eat? If we leave you alone will you eat? I don't think you will. I don't want to watch you die, Jaskier!" Geralt snapped, just as loudly.

Jaskier sighed and shook his head to himself. His voice came out softer than before and more resigned. "Then don't watch."

He heard Geralt's sharp intake of breath but he tried not to think about it as he turned over so his back was facing him. He didn't say anything as Geralt stood and left the room.

Jaskier curled into a tight ball and clutched Geralt's shirt. Why was he doing this? Why was he being so cruel? He didn't want to die. Not really. But that was what he was doing, wasn't it? He was slowly killing himself.

He brought the shirt up to his nose and took in a shaky breath. He tried to ignore the tears streaming down his face. Everything just hurt so much. Thankfully sleep took over and he fell asleep crying into Geralt's shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  Eating Disorder hotlines  
>  **
> 
> Chat: NEDA Click-to-Chat [NEDA Click-to-Chat ](https://chatserver.comm100.com/ChatWindow.aspx?siteId=144464&planId=467&visitType=1&byHref=1&partnerId=-1)
> 
> Crisis Text Line: text “NEDA” to 741741
> 
> Helpline: 0808 801 0677
> 
> Studentline: 0808 801 0811
> 
> Youthline: 0808 801 0711
> 
> Adult email support is open to anyone over 18: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Studentline email support is open to all students: studentline@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Youthline email support is open to anyone under 18: fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline: 800-931-2237
> 
> National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 847-831-3438
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
> 
> Hopeline (Suicide prevention, awareness, & education): 800-442-HOPE (4673)
> 
> Mental Health America: 800-969-NMHA (6642)
> 
> National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-NAMI (6264)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, warning for eating disorder content that could be triggering.

He was woken up by the sound of yelling. It was oddly muffled and he could tell it was more than the walls. Maybe Yennefer had a spell on the house, wouldn't be too odd.

He could still hear the yelling, and he knew it was Geralt and Yennefer. He couldn't understand or truly hear what they were saying.

He didn't want to sound conceited, but it was probably about him. Since their breakup, they didn't really have a reason to argue like this.

Should he get up or just lay there? He knew they wouldn't really tell him what they were screaming about. That made up his mind. He swung his legs off the bed and they dangled there for a second.

Then he pushed off the bed slowly and started to stand. The room spun but he kept himself up. He took a step and grinned at himself when it wasn't too bad. He could do this.

He slowly walked to the door and very slowly and quietly opened it. It seemed that opening the door at least temporarily broke the spell. He could hear everything perfectly clearly.

"-not a child! If you sit in there all day he's going to think you don't trust him, and then he won't trust you." Yennefer yelled. Well, she wasn't wrong. That's what happened when his professor had tried to 'help'.

"I'm not going to leave him alone, Yennefer. You know I-" he cut himself off and looked over. Jaskier tried to shrink away but it was too late. Geralt had smelt him there or something. Stupid Witcher senses.

"Jas, you should be laying down." Geralt came over and reached out to steady him but Jaskier swatted his hands away. His heart did melt at the nickname.

Yennefer huffs and looks Jaskier over, before moving around the room. She finds what she's looking for and comes over with the bottle. It's the same as before and Jaskier gladly takes it. "Thanks, Yennefer."

"What's that?" Geralt asks, trying to take the potion before Jaskier drinks it. He doesn't let him get the chance. He downs the potion but savors the taste. He's never been able to find a pastry that was even close to exact.

"Just something to help his energy. It'll keep him alive. Don't you trust me?" Yennefer snaps. He hates that they are fighting because of him. He should have hidden it better than this wouldn't have happened.

Geralt growls and steps towards her but suddenly stops. He glances back at Jaskier and whatever he sees makes the anger in him die, and his shoulders drop.

"Maybe you should take a walk, take care of Roach, yes?" Yennefer suggests. Jaskier knows it's not really a suggestion and more of a command.

Geralt looks ready to argue again but Yennefer gives him a pointed look. He grumbled something under his breath but he does leave, not exactly slamming the door on the way out.

Yennefer rolls her eyes and pulls out a chair for Jaskier. She doesn't help him walk to it or even glance at him. She just moves around the room preparing god knows what. "He's more dramatic than I am, and that's saying something. He may be giving you a run for your money."

Jaskier snorts and then actually laughs. It's true though. Jaskier is incredibly dramatic but that was just part of being a bard. Geralt was dramatic just because he was.

Yennefer somehow hands him a plate of food, even though he didn't even see her make anything. Magic probably. She didn't command him to eat; she simply gave him the option to.

It was his choice. He got to choose if he wanted to get better. Before it was always forced. He was always made to get better for everyone else. Maybe he should try to get better for himself.

"Thank you," he looked up at Yennefer. He knew that she could tell he wasn't thanking her for the food. She gave a slight smile and nod before going back to making potions probably.

She wasn't watching to make sure he ate, or to make sure he didn't just push it around. It was so freeing.

He reached out and grabbed the bread roll. Slowly, he tore a piece off and put it in his mouth. He held it in his mouth for a second before chewing it completely and swallowing.

He did that a few more times until he had eaten half the roll. Yennefer was humming to herself as she worked, mixing weird looking plants together. He didn't know if it was for him or someone else.

It took him nearly an hour to eat the rest of the roll and a few pieces of meat. It was progress, though.

When Yennefer finally turned back around she picked up the plate and vanished the rest of the food. He could see something in her eyes, maybe pride? At the very least she seemed content.

Geralt stalked in, much calmer than before, sometime later to find Jaskier and Yennefer sitting at the table laughing.

Jaskier had to wipe away a tear as he looked over. "Geralt! You're back." While Jaskier hadn't changed out of Geralt's shirt, Yennefer had.

Her shirt scoops low in the front before fastening with a trio of silver buttons. The black shirt then drapes open from the waist, falling near ankle length in the back. It also had intricate white details in the fabric that make it stand out.

She also has black pants that hug her legs. Her legs are crossed and her feet are bare.

It's definitely less flashy than any of her other outfits, but it wasn't like she was planning for anyone other than Jaskier and Geralt to see her.

"Oh good, you're back. Jaskier just told me about how Volvyk let loose a punch of chickens at Oxenfurt." Yennefer snickered.

Jaskier snorted but cringed when his stomach cramped up. Yennefer looked him over before standing and looking around. She grabs a cup and fills it with a strange yellow liquid before handing it to Jaskier. He gulps it down and the cramping seems to stop for now.

"You two…" Geralt trails off. He couldn't blame him. Before they would have been at each other's throats, and now they sat together and laughed.

They had an understanding, in both loving Geralt and hurting themselves. Yennefer would listen to his stories and songs and give honest feedback and not just a grunt.

"I'm sorry, Geralt, but I have a new best friend." Jaskier grinned up at him. It was an honest grin too. It surprised both of them how easily their friendship formed.

Geralt looked between the two of them, and Yennefer just grinned and shrugged. "Hm, has he eaten?"

That makes Jaskier's smile disappear and he curls in on himself. What made it worse was he had asked Yennefer like he wasn't even there.

Yennefer looks over at Jaskier and then back at Geralt. She slowly crosses her arms and raises one eyebrow at him. Geralt frowns and then his eyes go wide.

"Uh, right. Jas, did you eat anything today? I can get you something from uh, outside if you want." He had to admit, it was adorable seeing Geralt so unsure of himself.

He decided to spare him this time. "I did, I ate a roll and some meat. Do… could you get me an apple?" No matter what, he always loved having a ripe, crisp apple.

He can't help the small smile creeping back up when he saw Geralt's face light up. He could have easily asked Yennefer for one, but Geralt just seemed so ready to help.

"I'll be right back." With that, he walked out again. Yennefer and Jaskier slowly turned to look at each other and burst into giggles.

"Oh, he's trying so hard!" Yennefer snickers, wiping away a tear. He couldn't help but agree with her.

"I have no idea why he won't even acknowledge me as a friend." He meant to say it as a joke, but it came out despondent.

Both of their laughter died at that. "He does, you know. He wouldn't be doing this otherwise. He's emotionally obtuse, but he does care."

Jaskier leaned back against the chair, fiddling with the shirt. He had all the evidence that Geralt cared, but he didn't want to accept it. Not because he didn't want it, but because he didn't want the hope.

Geralt wasn't known for his good relationships. They actually all turned out pretty poorly from what Geralt has told him (which wasn't a lot), and what he'd heard from rumors (which was a lot).

Plus, he had no evidence that Geralt was anything but straight. It wasn't odd for Geralt to still go to a whorehouse every now and then. Jaskier always made sure to stay at the inn those days.

The next day Geralt walked perfectly normal, so either he always gave, he had weird Witcher powers that made him not sore, or he was straight. Jaskier hadn't seen his eyes linger on any man before either.

So, most likely straight. He could ask Yennefer, but he didn't see a reason why she'd know more than him.

Jaskier, however, didn't try to hide his love of men and women and the people in between. If he received, he didn't muffle his complaints the next day about the soreness. He loved all people, but more often than not slept with women.

If he slept with a man they were often older than him, with big muscles, and long hair that was preferably lighter in color. Ok, so he may have been a bit selective of his men recently, sue him.

"Oh, stop your moping Jaskier," Yennefer said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "He even gave you a nickname and his shirt! I say go for it."

Jaskier stared at her wide-eyed. It was one thing to be friends with your ex's friend. It was another to encourage him to get with said ex.

"I can't, at least not now. He'll say yes out of pity, and I don't want that." He didn't want Geralt to say yes because he was dying. He wanted him to say yes because he loved Jaskier just as much as Jaskier loved him.

Yennefer pursed her lips and leaned forward and rested her arms on the table. "Then get better."

Before Jaskier could reply the door opened once again and Geralt came in. He had a basket full of apples of all different types.

He walked over and held out the basket to Jaskier. "I didn't know what kind you wanted."

"So… you bought all of them?" Jaskier looked at them before picking up a green one and taking a bite. He chews the piece completely before swallowing.

Geralt watched him with acute focus as he ate a small smile on his face. It makes Jaskier take another bite and then another until he's eaten the whole apple.

Whatever potions Yennefer gave him had stopped nausea, but not the urge. He could keep this down. He would keep this down for Geralt, and for himself. He tried not to gag, and thankfully succeed.

Geralt placed the basket on the table. Yennefer reached for one but Geralt glared at her. "Those are for Jaskier. If you wanted apples you could get your own."

Jaskier had to hide his smile behind his hand. "It's alright, she can have some. It's not like I could even eat all of those before they go rotten even without-" he waved down at himself- "all this."

Yennefer raised an eyebrow at Geralt and took an apple. He didn't snap at her this time, but it didn't stop the slightly dirty look he sent her. She didn't even look away as she bit into the apple.

Jaskier could admire Yennefer for that, she had balls. Not many people would stare down a Witcher. Of course, she's also a witch so she did have extra power.

Jaskier would stare down almost anything if given the chance. He could because of Geralt. He knew Geralt would protect him no matter what. He could also stare down Geralt because he knew he wouldn't hurt him. He was also madly in love with him, so there was that.

"Thank you, for the apples," Jaskier said, reaching out to touch Geralt's hand. He really hoped the hand holding thing could continue.

Geralt grabbed his hand and squeezed a bit too hard. Jaskier didn't show it on his face though, just happy to be touching.

Even with platonic relationships, he was a very tactile person. He showed his affections through touch and not having been able to do it so openly with Geralt had hurt a bit. He missed being able to just hold hands with someone.

Yennefer gave him the look and Jaskier gave her a playful glare in return.

It was a bit odd just sitting there holding Geralt's hand while he stood there staring at him. Yennefer ate her apple quite loudly, and then vanished it once she was done.

She stood up and the two jumped, but Geralt didn't let go of his hand. "I have a few potions to deliver. You two-" she gave each a pointed stare- "talk."

With that, she walked out of the door with as much flare as possible. Jaskier was about to comment on her shoelessness but when he glanced down she was wearing them again. Witches.

Geralt pulled the chair closer and sat down, still holding his hand. He gave Jaskier an expectant look.

He wanted to keep a hold of Geralt's hand, but he didn't know if he could with what he had to say. Geralt tried to take his hand again, which was sweet, but he pulled it into his lap.

He stared down at his lap as he fiddled with the hem of his (technically Geralt's) shirt. "This has happened before. It wasn't this bad, but it happened. I was at Oxenfurt, and it started soon after I enrolled."

He took a shaky breath, thinking of the memories. He had come to terms with them, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. "I had a friend, Tagit who came with. I'd known him for a bit. He helped me keep my head in my studies, and one day he got sick. And he didn't get better. Some flu or something."

"He died. And I just slowly stopped eating. I was so stressed by his death and wanting to be the best. Being a bard is a lot harder than it looks. Sure, we stand there and sing but it's so much more." He glanced up and then quickly back down. He could feel Geralt's gaze on him and it was already too intense.

"To be good, you have to be charismatic and dashing. You have to have a good voice and good lyrics. And, as terrible as it is, you have to look good. I wanted to be a bard; I left my family for it." He couldn't help but smile sadly at the mention of his family.

"I had to be perfect, so I had to be skinny. I was never small enough, never good enough. It took one of my professors to stop me. He wasn't the best man, but I'm still grateful."

"The way he helped, though. He force-fed me. He wouldn't leave me alone for even a second. I hated him for it. He controlled my whole life and it was terrible. I just wanted him to let me die." He did. He honestly wanted to die then. Now, he wasn't sure.

"I still resent him for how he helped me, but I'm still glad he helped. I don't want to resent you." He finally looked up and his breath hitched.

If Jaskier didn't know better it would look like Geralt was tearing up. He, however, did know better. Geralt of Rivia did not cry for anything or anyone.

Geralt reached forward and grabbed both of Jaskier's hands. "I'm sorry Jaskier. I don't… I don't know how to help. I've never had someone who needed my help like this. I've never," he paused and looked down for a second, "I've never had a friend."

Jaskier's heart melted. He literally turned into putty at those words. Geralt admitted they were friends; that he cared. "It's ok. Most people don't know what to do. Yennefer, she's different. She gets where I'm coming from. You don't, and that's ok."

"Treat this like any other injury. It'll take time to heal. It's a slow process and some things can help. Give me the option of food but don't force me. You don't have to be at my side the whole day, doing that just makes me think you don't trust me." He gave a quick squeeze to Geralt's hands.

Geralt nodded and rubbed circles into Jaskier's skin with his thumbs. His hands were much rougher and had many more calluses than Jaskier's. Jaskier had his own calluses from holding a quill and the strings of his lute. Geralt's hands were also incredibly warm. Much warmer than he expected.

Jaskier's hands are cold, but that wasn't too odd. He had noticed that the skinnier he got the colder he was, and not much helped.

"I'll try, but I can't promise that I won't mess up." Geralt interrupted his thoughts.

"That's all I can ask for."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  Eating Disorder hotlines  
>  **
> 
> Chat: NEDA Click-to-Chat [NEDA Click-to-Chat ](https://chatserver.comm100.com/ChatWindow.aspx?siteId=144464&planId=467&visitType=1&byHref=1&partnerId=-1)
> 
> Crisis Text Line: text “NEDA” to 741741
> 
> Helpline: 0808 801 0677
> 
> Studentline: 0808 801 0811
> 
> Youthline: 0808 801 0711
> 
> Adult email support is open to anyone over 18: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Studentline email support is open to all students: studentline@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Youthline email support is open to anyone under 18: fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline: 800-931-2237
> 
> National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 847-831-3438
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
> 
> Hopeline (Suicide prevention, awareness, & education): 800-442-HOPE (4673)
> 
> Mental Health America: 800-969-NMHA (6642)
> 
> National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-NAMI (6264)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the last chapter!
> 
> ** Eating Disorder hotlines **
> 
> Chat: NEDA Click-to-Chat [NEDA Click-to-Chat ](https://chatserver.comm100.com/ChatWindow.aspx?siteId=144464&planId=467&visitType=1&byHref=1&partnerId=-1)
> 
> Crisis Text Line: text “NEDA” to 741741
> 
> Helpline: 0808 801 0677
> 
> Studentline: 0808 801 0811
> 
> Youthline: 0808 801 0711
> 
> Adult email support is open to anyone over 18: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Studentline email support is open to all students: studentline@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> Youthline email support is open to anyone under 18: fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk
> 
> National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline: 800-931-2237
> 
> National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: 847-831-3438
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)
> 
> Hopeline (Suicide prevention, awareness, & education): 800-442-HOPE (4673)
> 
> Mental Health America: 800-969-NMHA (6642)
> 
> National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-NAMI (6264)

It was too much. Too much too soon. The options helped so much but it was still too overwhelming.

The feeling of food sliding down his throat and landing in his stomach. It was like he could see and feel his stomach expanding and he hated it. He hated the food in him and he wanted it out.

He stood up abruptly from the table and Geralt turns to look at him. "Jaskier?"

He reaches what is now his room, and gets to the window. Huh, this seems familiar. He tries to stop himself, but he's already leaning out the window with his hand down his throat.

Chunks of partially digested chicken spewed out of his coughing, choking mouth. His stomach kept on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out.

His face was white and dripping bile, sweat, and tears. The pungent stench invaded his nostrils and he heaved even though there was nothing left to go. He sagged to the floor, pressing his head against the wall and closing his eyes.

He hated it. He hated doing this; he hated feeling like he needed to. He had been doing so well these past few days too. Why did he have to fuck it up?

He jumped and gagged again when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He had to blink through the tears, but he knew who was crouching behind me.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, tears making him choke on his own breath.

He didn't expect what happened next. Geralt sat completely on the floor and pulled Jaskier into his arms. It wasn't bone-crushing, but close to it.

Jaskier let himself be pulled close, curling up in Geralt's lap. He clutched onto Geralt's shirt, trying to pull in air but the knot in his throat makes it close to impossible.

Geralt held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked his chest. He didn't scold him or even offer comforting words.

Yennefer stood at the door, watching the two but stayed deathly quiet. She was ready to step in if need be, but it seemed Geralt was doing the right thing.

The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts. He was so tired. He was tired of living, of fighting this. He was tired of being sick.

It was a mixture of gagging and gasping for breath until he slowly calmed down.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered into Geralt's chest. He wouldn't blame him if he did. He knew what a disgusting sight he made.

Geralt put a finger under Jaskier's chin and tilted it up. "I'm not going to leave. I promise." He moved his hand away to wipe a tear that slid down Jaskier's flushed, blotchy cheek.

Yennefer had to cover her mouth to stop herself from cooing at the two. At least one of them acknowledged their feelings. The other was a stubborn Witcher who couldn't tell hate from love. She had a feeling he may be getting it.

Jaskier gave a short nod and leaned forward again, letting his head rest on Geralt's shoulder. His body is still shaking from the sudden sickness and it leaves him incredibly tired.

Geralt moves around a bit. Jaskier stiffens when Geralt puts his hands under his ass, but then he's lifting him up and standing. Jaskier would have let out a yelp, but instead, he just clings onto Geralt.

Geralt uses one hand to hold Jaskier up and the other to close the window. Jaskier blinks a few times and looks over at the door. Yennefer gives him a small smile, and he returns it.

With silent feet, she leaves the room and closes the door behind her. Geralt leads them to the bed and gently puts Jaskier down.

"You should rest." Ah, Geralt never ceases to amaze him with his vocabulary. Geralt moved away but Jaskier caught his wrist.

"Stay?" He whispered. It wasn't odd for them to share a bed as they sometimes didn't have enough coin for two. Jaskier always tried to keep to himself but they often woke up in a tangled mess.

Geralt wouldn't say anything about it, but he didn't seem to mind. Jaskier had woken up a few times with Geralt absentmindedly running a hand through his hair or stroking his back. He would stop the moment Jaskier woke up, but it was still nice.

Geralt seemed to hesitate before nodding. He climbs onto the very large bed and lays down beside him. Jaskier falters for a second before moving closer and putting his head on Geralt's chest.

Geralt's hand hovers before resting on Jaskier's back. "I can feel your spine." Geralt mumbled into his hair.

"I know, I'm sorry. I am trying." Jaskier sighs, closing his eyes again and wrapping his arm around Geralt.

Geralt hums and slides his hand down his back. "I know." Jaskier shivers when Geralt's hand goes under his shirt (and it is actually his shirt this time) and back up his back. Geralt's hands are so warm against him and it soothes him even more.

Before he knows it he's falling asleep listening to the slow beat of Geralt's heart.

He doesn't wake up from Geralt shaking him, but sharp nails in his hair. It doesn't hurt, but it does make him jerk away slightly.

"Shh, just me. You need to take this." Yennefer whispers, pulling her hand out of his hair. He misses the feeling but takes the bottle and downs it.

She takes the bottle back and goes to leave, but once again Jaskier reaches out. Her eyes go wide, but then a fond smile forms on her lips.

She slips her shoes off and gets into the bed beside Jaskier so he's sandwiched in between the two.

He'd never in a million years had thought he'd be curled up between a witch and a witcher. One he loves and the other he now considers a good friend. What was his life come to?

He falls asleep like that feeling safer than he ever had before.

"-small, Yen. It was like picking up a…" Geralt trails off. Jaskier doesn't move, but once again takes in his surroundings without opening his eyes.

The hand in back in his hair. He can tell Yennefer is sitting up and carding through his hair. Geralt is still laying and Jaskier has his head on his chest still.

"A puppy?" Yen suggests. Geralt gives a hum in reply. "I know, Geralt. I'm trying but I don't know how much I can do without hurting him more."

"I could make him get back to a healthy weight through magic, but he could just lose it all again. He has to do this himself. Geralt, you need to be ready for the possibility that he won't recover." He feels Geralt's arm around him tighten and Yennefer sighs.

"I can't lose him, Yen." Geralt whispered.

Yennefer's hand in his hair pauses for a second before continuing. "I know. I too have grown fond of him. But Geralt, haven't you noticed?"

Geralt stiffened just slightly. Probably only enough that Jaskier could feel it. "Notice what?"

"Geralt, how old do you think Jaskier is?" He had to do everything in his power to not react. She knew and now Geralt would too.

Geralt looked down at him, brushing away a few strands of hair that had fallen in his face. "He said he was 18 when we met. It's been 28," his voice trails off.

"He should be 47. Geralt, how old does he look to you?" Yennefer asks. Her voice holds no judgment.

Jaskier sighs and sits up. Yennefer doesn't look surprised at all, but Geralt looks a bit shocked. He was probably so distracted by Yen he hadn't noticed he woke up.

"Jaskier?" Geralt says, looking him over.

"Half-elf. Mother had a thing with an elf servant. Didn't tell Dad he wasn't the father, but she told me. I don't have the ears or anything, but I did get the longer life." He knew Geralt wouldn't hurt them.

When they had met the elves it was odd because he looked completely human. They had no idea he was kind of one of them. He was secretly excited to meet elves, and after Geralt gave them the money he knew he could stay with Geralt.

"Quarter-elf." Yennefer said, smiling widely at Jaskier. Jaskier raised his eyebrows but it wasn't too surprising. Apparently, they had more in common than they thought.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Geralt asks, pulling in on himself. It hurts to see but he really can't blame him.

Jaskier shrugged, pulling at his shirt. "I don't know. I guess I just didn't feel the need. I thought… I thought I would have been gone or at least out of your life by the time it should have been noticeable."

Geralt frowned and reached forward, putting a hand on Jaskier's knee. "Well, I'm uh glad, that you know. Glad that I'll get more time with you."

Geralt could actually be good with words (talking to the elves as one example), so it was adorable to see him struggle.

"As touching as this is, Jaskier needs to take a potion. Do you want to stay in bed?" Yennefer asks, moving off the bed.

As a response, Jaskier wiggled out of the sheets and slid off the bed. His legs were much steadier than before. Geralt quickly follows after them.

Yennefer leads them out and finds the potion Jaskier needs. At this point, Yennefer could easily poison with how easily he takes the potion without hesitation.

"Jaskier, I have a spell that could potentially help stop the urge to get sick. It feeds off your own want to stop, so it won't work unless you want it to. It's up to you if you want it."

He barely had to think. "Yes! Yes, please." He reached forward and grabbed her hands. She didn't pull away, but he could tell she wasn't used to this.

"Alright. I'll have to get the stuff, and it'll take a bit. I'll get started as soon as I can." Jaskier grinned at her and let her go only for a second before pulling her into a hug.

She stiffened and then slowly hugged back. "Thank you. I do, I want to get better." He mumbled.

After a few seconds, she pulled away. "I'll be back." With that, she opened a portal and walked through.

The days dragged on as Yennefer got ready for the spell. Some days he could eat like normal, while others he refused to even look at food.

Geralt supported him when he ate and was patient when he didn't. He held him when the food came back up and helped distract him when Jaskier tried to fight it.

It wasn't odd for the three of them to nap together on the bed, and more often than not Geralt slept with him at night too. He never did anything other than sleep, but Jaskier still loved every second of it.

Jaskier still worked on his songs, but the words didn't come as easily. Well, they did for certain songs but it wasn't like he could sing those. No, those were too personal, and the others were love songs for a certain white-haired man.

He had been out with Yennefer and came back in with a grin on his face. He didn't even think about how he had left his writing out before they had left.

He walked into his room and felt his heart stop. Geralt was standing there, staring down at his notes. He didn't even think, just ran forward and ripped the papers out of his hands.

He knew which he was looking at, but thankfully it wasn't complete and most of the writing was just random notes and lyrics he thought of. Nothing concrete.

"You can't just go looking through people's things!" Jaskier snapped his good mood slipping. He didn't want Geralt to even know about this song, at least not yet.

Thankfully Geralt just hummed and didn't seem to see the meaning in the lyrics. It wasn't like he hadn't written love songs before.

Anytime he did he made sure that it wasn't obvious who it was really about. He switched pronouns, hair color, and eye color, anything that would be too obvious.

"You're writing again, that's good." Geralt said, turning to him. It was true that he hadn't been writing any new songs since this all started again.

He just didn't have the energy before, and even now it was sometimes hard. But he didn't have all that much to do while recovering. "I had a few ideas."

"Do… do you want to sing any? I'm sure Yennefer would enjoy it." Ah, Yennefer, of course. Why would he ever think Geralt would want to hear him sing?

It was still incredibly sweet for him to suggest. He did have a few songs he could sing for them, even if they were still works in progress. Maybe singing them would help figure out the seemingly off lyrics.

"After dinner, I'll sing a few." Though the thought of eating made him want to curl into a ball and die.

He barely ate that night but he did sing for them. Geralt actually seemed to listen and nod his head slightly to the tune. Overall it wasn't too bad, but his mind kept going back to the song Geralt had found. He'd need to work on it a lot before he even thought of singing it to anyone.

Yennefer would often play with his hair and in turn, Jaskier would braid hers. She even put makeup on him one day, and they couldn't stop giggling the whole time.

They tried to get Geralt to sit still for makeup but he kept pushing them away. He did eventually let Jaskier braid his hair back, and he kept it that way the whole day.

The sun was shining brightly as Jaskier and Yennefer sat in a field of flowers. Geralt had some monster to fight and Yennefer had told him she had a surprise. He had been doing well and wanted to give him a gift.

The gift turned out to be a field of the most colorful flowers imaginable. His breath caught at the sight and quickly turned to give Yennefer a hug.

After running around they eventually sat and Jaskier started picking some flowers. Yennefer watched as he made flower crowns with his deft fingers. He'd always loved flowers with their different colors and shapes.

He remembered spring days when he had free time walking around trying to find flowers that he could make crowns with. A few of the boys teased him, but that quickly stopped when they saw how the girls reacted.

Jaskier never did it for the attention, but he loved the smile on people's faces when he put the crown on their heads.

Once he had finished the first one he held it out to Yennefer. It was made of purple, white, and black flowers. She took the crown with gentle hands.

He started humming to himself as he made his own crown, and then one for Geralt. He doubted he'd wear it, but that was fine.

That night he ate almost all his food as Yennefer, him and surprisingly Geralt wore their flower crowns. Yennefer even put a spell on them so they'd last longer.

Once Jaskier had enough strength he started going outside. He visited Roach and made sure she was pampered as she deserved.

Then he started exploring the city. Geralt came with, and part of it was probably to keep Jaskier safe and make sure he didn't overdo it. The other part (what Jaskier hoped was true) was Geralt wanted to spend time with him.

They had extra coin since they didn't have to pay for staying with Yennefer, so they could get a few extra things. Geralt got him lute strings and didn't even complain that night when Jaskier sang for them.

It seemed it had been too long since he'd performed, and he was practically glowing.

After that Geralt kept buying him small gifts. A scarf that Jaskier had looked at for a few extra seconds. A bracelet he had gushed about the color of. Anything that Jaskier openly liked Geralt would at least try to get. It was incredibly endearing.

Even Yennefer had brought him a few gifts whenever she left to get things for the spell. Most of the time it was extra flowers she had found. Other times it was things she thought were cute.

Jaskier couldn't do much in return, so he wrote songs for both of them. Yennefer was more open and appreciative than Geralt.

Jaskier was gaining weight back slowly, and he both hated it and loved it. He felt better. He wasn't as tired and he was far less dizzy.

There were moments when he hated it. Hated the fat on his body. Yennefer could somehow tell, and each time she distracted him. She let him do her makeup or told stories about her life.

Geralt's way of helping was a bit different. He had gotten Jaskier a knife and was starting to teach him to use it. It wasn't hard training as Jaskier still didn't have the energy for that, but he was learning how to use the opponent's momentum against them.

It made him feel powerful. He could keep himself safe if need be, and he wouldn't be helpless anymore.

"Your hands are too low; someone could easily get to your neck." Geralt said, pulling Jaskier's hands up.

Yennefer was off doing her sorceress thing and it was very pleasant outside. Jaskier had asked Geralt to train him as he was trying to distract himself from the want to purge.

Jaskier gave a quick nod and kept his hands up. Geralt stepped back and looked over his stance. Once he deemed it satisfactory he got into a similar position.

Geralt obviously had to hold back, but he didn't just let Jaskier win, he had to actually learn.

They went through the motions again and again until Jaskier was panting. Geralt got in a good grab and soon Jaskier was on the ground. It didn't hurt that much, surprisingly. Knowing Geralt he probably made sure he didn't fall hard.

Geralt pinned his wrist above his head, but they had trained for this too. Jaskier bent his knees and bucked up, pulling his arms down, sending Geralt forward. He then wrapped his arms around his back and hooked one arm. From there he flipped them over.

It had taken him quite a few times to get that right, but even then it was hard to do with Geralt's weight.

He panted and smiled down at Geralt. He made a sound of approval (he assumed it was approval, mind shut up) and gave him a nod. Jaskier had to admit how beautiful the man was, lying down in the grass, hair spread out. He wasn't even panting, but it was much easier to fight Jaskier than any monster.

Yennefer stepped out of the portal and looked at them, raising an eyebrow. He knew how this looked, especially with him panting and turning red like this.

"Self-defense." Geralt grunted, still laying down, not even trying to get up.

Yennefer hummed and sent Jaskier a wink. "I'm sure. Dinner will be ready soon, both of you wash up. I won't have dirty boys at my table." With that, she walked into the house.

Jaskier and Geralt glanced at each other before scrambling to get up, racing each other to the bath.

It was at least two months later when Yennefer announced that the spell was ready. A few of the ingredients were incredibly rare so it had taken her quite a long time.

Jaskier was definitely closer to his normal weight when Yennefer sat down in front of him. Geralt sat at his side and held his hand.

Yennefer did her witchy thing (he honestly did try to pay attention) and then started moving her hands. She started at his head and slowly moved down to his stomach and back up; speaking in a language he didn't know.

It felt odd, but it didn't hurt. It was like he could feel his energy being pulled around. At the end, she handed him a cup filled with terrible spelling sludge.

Geralt gave his hand a squeeze before letting him go so he could grab the cup. "Bottoms up." He muttered before drinking it.

He did gag for a second after but he kept it down. He expected a sudden difference, but nothing happened. "Uh, is it working?" He asked.

Yennefer gently touched his temples for a second before pulling away. "It is. If you don't want to throw up, you won't."

Jaskier slowly started smiling before jumping up and hugging Yennefer. She had gotten used to his hugs and physical displays of affection.

"I want to eat. Let's go to that one tavern!" Jaskier said, moving to pull Geralt up. "I'll get dressed up and everything."

He had talked about where he wanted to go, what he wanted to eat when he could. It helped to think about the positives instead of the crushing weight of literally everything else.

He ran into his room and went through his clothes, finding one that was suitable. He pulled it on and even put some of the perfume he kept. It was a gentle scent that wouldn't bother Geralt's nose.

He had tested quite a few perfumes through their travels, watching Geralt whenever he wore one. If it was too strong Geralt would scrunch up his nose. This one, a faint flower smell didn't seem to bother him at all.

He walked out of his room and went straight to Yennefer's, knocking a few times before entering.

She turned to glance at him when he walked in. She was wearing one of her extravagant dresses and was applying makeup.

"Can you do my makeup? Just simple stuff and I can braid your hair." She patted the chair and Jaskier came over.

While she finished applying her own makeup Jaskier started braiding her hair. He reached around her to the flowers she kept with her and braided them into her hair.

Jaskier was practically vibrating as Yennefer put makeup on him. She had to remind him to keep still multiple times.

"Open." Yennefer said, moving away so Jaskier could look in the mirror. The makeup was simple as requested. Black outlined his eyes, making his eyes pop. His cheekbones shined in the light, and his lips looked softer than they ever had.

He was beautiful. The makeup didn't cover anything but simply enhanced what he already had. There was a knock at the door and Geralt came in.

He was wearing a white shirt and those pants that drove Jaskier insane. Geralt looked Jaskier over just as thoroughly.

"Jas…" Geralt mumbled, stepping in.

Yennefer snickered and poked Jaskier, making him stand. "I did my best." She said.

Geralt nodded and reached his hand out for Jaskier to take. "Let's get some food. Did you want to bring your lute?" Jaskier could kiss him for the suggestion.

They made their way out and down to the tavern. They were definitely the best-looking people and not just because of their clothes. Jaskier ordered a bigger meal than normal, and Geralt actually smiled at him. Like, not just a small smile, but one that made his eyes sparkle and the skin crinkle.

He ate it slowly but ate almost all of it. Once he was full he stood up and pulled his lute around. It didn't take long to get the crowd going. People sang along and a few people danced.

At some point, a lady came up and asked Yennefer to dance. Jaskier watched with a smile as she stood and followed the lady. Yennefer caught his eye and sent a wink.

Geralt stayed at the table, but he was tapping his fingers against the table to the beat.

Jaskier played to his heart's content. He didn't jump around too much but people seemed to sense his energy even still.

Jaskier sang all of the songs he knew except one. He wanted to save that one for last. He had no doubt that Geralt would figure out exactly what, or who it was about.

He had been planning on telling Geralt if he ever got better. But he was getting better. He had so much hope now. He knew he'd have to deal with this for the rest of his life, but he was ready. He knew he'd have help when he struggled.

He had written the song in secret and only showed it to Yennefer to make sure it was good. She had told him it was the best thing he'd ever written.

Once he had gotten done singing all the songs he knew he cleared his throat. "Lately I had been going through a lot, and I had two people who really helped. I made a friend for life," he nodded to Yennefer.

She smiled and gave him a slight nod. She knew what he was doing.

"The next is my dear friend, Geralt. This song is for him." With that, he started singing.

"Wise men say only fools rush in," his voice was shaking and he made sure to look anywhere at Geralt. If he reacted badly, he didn't want to see. "But I can't help falling in love with you. Oh, shall I stay, would it be a sin-" he kept singing, closing his eyes.

His voice became stronger and more confident the longer he sang. The tavern was almost completely silent. Everyone seemed frozen as they listened to his song.

Yennefer glanced at Geralt. He was completely rigid, eyes never leaving Jaskier's face. Even she couldn't tell what he was feeling.

"Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you." He slowly opened his eyes as he strummed the last cord. The tavern was silent before it erupted into applause. Jaskier grinned at the people and gave a little bow.

His hands shook as he turned to look at Geralt. His eyes were wide as he slowly stood. People didn't look away as Geralt stalked up to Jaskier. His heart was pounding as Geralt stared at him.

"Geralt?" He whispered. It seemed to break whatever trance he was in. He reached out and gently cupped Jaskier's face.

And then they were kissing. Jaskier couldn't even hear the sound of hoots and hollers from the tavern over his pounding heart. They were kissing. Actually kissing.

Geralt of Rivia was kissing him. On the lips. Before he knew it Geralt pulled away, but thankfully not too far.

"Wow, that was… wow." Jaskier chuckled, holding onto Geralt's shoulders.

Geralt gave a short hum and leaned in to kiss him again. Jaskier gladly kissed back, pulling Geralt close. He was still small compared to Geralt, but he was much healthier than he had been in a while.

They eventually had to separate to go back to their place, because that's what it had become. It had become their home, and soon it became the home of a certain young princess.

Jaskier still had his ups and downs, but he had his family there to support him. He had Yennefer, as odd as that still was. He had Ciri, who he grew to love and care for as his own (Yennefer attached to her incredibly quickly). And he had Geralt. The man he loved, and who loved him back.

They didn't stay at that house forever, they couldn't, but that was fine. They all had each other and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> **  
>  Eating Disorder hotlines  
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